14-Year Old Wants Your Balls (Pythons, That Is)

I’ve heard so-called parenting “experts” say that you should supervise your children when they’re using the Internet because their safety could be compromised by contact with a sexual predator or other unsavory character.

This is false.

The real reason you should supervise your children and never, ever allow them to use Craigslist without parental help is that they write in “txt spk” all the time, say really moronic things, and make plans to fill your house with little baby pythons. Great for Mother’s Day!

But how do I know this is a kid, not a grown-up idiot? Well, I don’t, but this sure seems like the same poster…

“Oh, hai, Craigslist. I managed to kill the last gravid snake someone gave me, would you please trade me another one for some video games? I’m really pist that my other snake isn’t pregnant so I can fail to take it to the vet and let it die too…”

How does a kid learn so many big words and niche hobbyist terms, but remain unable to spell “bound” or “pissed?” Of course, in her defense, maybe the gravid python simply entered a UFC “bout” with her eggs and lost.

(Seriously, though. It’s not the 14-year-old we’re making fun of, here. Hormones are powerful drugs and nobody can be expected to seem totally sane or smart with a teenager-sized dose of them pinging around in their brain. The parents are the ones who deserve to be mocked for failing to prevent their child from acting like a dumbass on the Internet, as well as for missing an opportunity to teach her a lesson about commitment by taking the egg bound python to a reptile veterinarian and providing it with treatment–if your child is old enough to become a reptile hobbyist and breeder, she’s old enough to mow lawns and babysit over the summer to pay you back for hefty vet bills.)

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